Author: Erica

Today I let my 4 year old go down this ginormous water slide that truthfully, scares the crap out of me.

Why?

Because he wanted to.

He wasn’t afraid. And he asked.

I had to decide in that moment to either project my fears and worries onto him or let him give it a shot.

I decided not to create fears in him that aren’t there. To let him decide what he is comfortable doing.

And you know what? He had fun. Even went down twice.

How many of our own dreams and hopes and things that excite us have been stifled by someone else’s opinion? Or apprehension?

I had to ask myself what’s the worst that could happen in this controlled environment with his dad waiting at the bottom for him and lifeguards all around? The only thing I could think of is that he might get scared half way down and panic.

But isn’t that life?

So what. If he hates it, he learns that he doesn’t want to do it again. That it isn’t for him.

If he loves it, then he just figured out one more thing he CAN do. And how cool is that?

Call me crazy. Call me stupid. But I refuse to be a helicopter mom who tells her children they can’t do something simply because it scares ME.

Proud of this little boy for doing a BIG boy thing today! And proud of myself for letting him.

Do something every day that scares you. Take the chances. Learn what’s right & wrong for you by at least giving it a try.

 

I just love how God gives us little gifts we need. In our times of sorrow and sadness, He sees us. He comforts us if we let Him. And He places things in our lives, in our path, that remind us that He is always with us and working only for our good.

Losing a parent at a young age is tough. Just something about never getting to hear their words of wisdom or see the kind of pride reflected in their face that only a parent can have for their child. There is a longing for that parental reassurance that just never seems to go away. Especially once you become a parent yourself.

The first thing that anyone who knew my mother ever says about her or remembers about her is her smile. And with good reason. She lit up every room she walked into.

She was light, and laughter. Always fun. Always positive. And always making those around her feel better. Even when she felt her worst.

Cancer is a thief. A thief of all of those wonderful things. Cancer tried many times to take her light, laughter and positivity from her. But she never let it.

When she passed away after 6 years of fighting breast cancer, I thought that once and for all, cancer had stolen that light. Knowing I would never see her smile light up a room again felt like all of my childhood happinesses were taken from me at once. The permanence of that fact was probably the single hardest part of losing her for me.

But God saw that. He saw my suffering. He saw my sadness. He knew my heart. He knew what I needed. He knew I needed to see that smile again. And as often as possible.

So what did God do?

He gave that incredible, irreplaceable, 1000 watt smile to my son (that I was 13 weeks pregnant with when she passed away).

And now, I get to see her smile and her light reflected in him every.single.day.

I get a gentle reminder of His love and hers every time I look at this little boy.

And I just can’t imagine a greater gift than that.

Matthew 5:4 says, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

Comforted I am. By this sweet smile that is ever so familiar to me.

❤

Erica

 

It’s easy to post the pretty pictures. The ones that paint a portrait of constant perfection. The kind of perfection that can make other people feel inferior or feel like they can never live up to this life that appears to be an endless reel of unattainable beauty.

Truth?

Life is messy.

It isn’t always pretty.

And for every impeccably timed gorgeous snap shot, there is an endless heaping pile of bloopers, mistakes, and behind the scenes tantrums, sweat and tears.

Remember that.

Don’t get caught up comparing your full, crazy, panoramic view of your own life to someone else’s highlight reel.

Most nights at our house look a lot like this. Those are my kids in the shower with their faces pressed up against the glass. That is my husband sitting on the side of the tub working because he’s an educator. And that’s what educators do. And that’s me, trying my hardest not to tidy up the counter too much or fix my hair before snapping this (although full disclosure, I AM sucking in – a girl’s gotta have her limit)

And to me, this is just as, if not more beautiful than any posed, filtered, cleverly captioned photo I could ever post.

Just us. Being us. 💙

I love you to the moon. 🌜
I love you to the stars. 🌟
I love you to the rocket ship. 🚀
I love you to the space ship. 👽

Caden made this up and we say it to each other every night before bed. And it just doesn’t even begin to cover my infinite love for them.

These boys made me a mom and changed everything about me.

💙Caden was a bright light in a dark time in my life. A time when it would have been easy to retreat into sadness & grief, he gave my life renewed purpose and happiness. He is smart. And he is joy.

He taught me that life goes on. And should.

💚Declan was the surprise baby that has kept me on my toes since the day I found out he was coming. There is nothing about him that doesn’t amaze me and surprise me and frustrate me. He is determination. He is love.

He has taught me that life doesn’t always go as planned. And shouldn’t.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of the mom’s out there (they come in too many forms to name).

And to anyone that today is hard for, I’m thinking of you. I feel you. May you feel loved. May you feel peace. ❤️

I gave up complaining for lent. And this is what happened.

I was tested. A lot. In big ways and in small ways. I feel like when you do something like tell God you are going to give up complaining for 40 days, He is likely going to be inclined to call you on your bluff. And see if you really mean it. And man. He did.

The minute I publicly proclaimed my desire to give up complaining for lent and asked those around me to hold me accountable, things began to be thrown my way that under ANY other circumstances, I would have GRUMBLED about. Likely incessantly. (Hi, I’m Erica. I whine sometimes! Nice to meet you!)

For example:
Day 1 – I got a strawberry seed stuck in my teeth for 2 days that I could NOT get out. (don’t laugh. It was AWFUL) AND it went downhill from there…………

They’re not kidding when they say that God has a sense of humor. Me + not complaining = God’s own personal comedy hour. For 40 days.

I also stumbled. Not as much as I expected. But there were times where I just could NOT escape the need to complain.

There were times where I just felt the need to be heard & understood by another human being. To be given some grace and compassion from someone face to face.

Through my missteps on my adventure of non-complaining, I learned that complaining in itself isn’t all bad. And that complaining in moderation and with the right intentions, can lead to deeper human connection and understanding. Being heard by a fellow person is absolutely underrated. And necessary.

I prayed. More than I think I ever have. In those moments where I wanted to complain, or vent, or shout from the rooftops how angry, hurt & frustrated I was, I chose to talk to God instead. I found that when complaining to God, you can call it prayer. (Who knew?) 😉 And no one in their right mind is going to knock you for being a “prayer” the way they might if you are a known “complainer.” Can I get an amen?

Through these increased talks with God, I found something. I found when I took my complaints (I mean, prayers) to Him, that He turned those “complaints” into “thanks.” He helped me see what could be considered unfavorable: “I have a strawberry seed STUCK IN MY TEETH!” into something to be grateful for: “but how delicious was that strawberry?”

I know, that is a light-hearted example, and obviously, my complaints and prayers went deeper than strawberry seeds, but I am going to reserve the “big” stuff for me & Him. We still have some work to do there.

So in summary, what I learned from my short season of attempting not to complain, and failing here and there, is that complaining has its place & purpose. That attacking problems from a solution minded perspective really helps solve the problem as opposed to just talking about it. And that God can and will turn something bad, into something good. In this case, He turned grievances into gratitude.

So now, I march on with a heightened awareness of how much of a miserable complainer I can be and the motivation to look to God to help turn my complaining into gratefulness. Well, MOST of it anyway……………….

❤

E

 

As a parent, we often contemplate who our children will be, who we hope they will be, and what gifts they begin to show at a young age that may become mighty tools as they grow into adulthood…

From the time he was born, Declan has had a palpable gift for loving people.

I am talking, the kind of gift that strangers notice. The kind of gift that people pick up on just by seeing a picture of him. And to those of us who interact with him on a daily basis, this gift of love is just innate in who Declan is. You can’t help but be succumb to this boy’s charm. I swear.

We often joke (or half joke) that we should take Declan around to those who might need him. (People in hospitals, nursing homes, homeless shelters, funerals, etc…) I have used the word “therapy dog,” (I know! LoL) obviously making light of his talents at making people feel better. But, I guess, I just don’t have a better word to describe “it.”

Declan loves like no one else I have ever known. He hugs you with his whole heart and just warms your soul with his sweet, gentle nature.

This boy of ours has faced and continues to face his own struggles (I will save those for another day). But, long story short, everything doesn’t come easy to Declan. He sometimes has to try harder and work harder to hit the milestones that other kids seem to do effortlessly.

We don’t know why Declan does things in his own “Declan” way, but I have a strong feeling that God is preparing him for his life’s work. That he will be able to reach people and connect to them through his own vulnerabilities & imperfections. That his story will give others the strength they may need.

A daily occurrence in our home is what you see in this picture. He will grab my husband and me both by the neck, pull us in close until our heads are touching and just make us stay there. I mean, he MAKES us stay there. I don’t know what it is or why he does it. Maybe he just senses the need in us to slow down and take a minute to be together and appreciate what a beautiful life and family we have. Maybe he understands the importance of relationships and loving each other and connecting every day. But whatever it is, he gives us this little gift. A small reminder. Every day. And the moment is always beautiful. Always initiated by him.

Whenever he does this, I am reminded of John 15:5-7 where Jesus says,

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.”

And I can’t help but think that maybe Declan understands this even better than we do. That he is tangling us up and bringing us back to The Vine. Gently reminding us of where we need to be.

I am so grateful for this little guy and his loving heart. I look forward to the incredible ways that I know he is going to change the world around him. Through love.

❤

Declan’s mama

Ohhhhhhhhh man. This kid. He keeps us on our toes. Ketchup & Butter are 2 stories within 1 story. Both occurred during the same outing to a restaurant. But I feel the need to tell them separately.

So here goes Ketchup:

Well, it finally happened. That one thing your kid does that is so heinous & disgusting that you actually almost lose your dinner right then & there.

He LICKED the top of a bottle of ketchup. At a restaurant.

A little part of me died inside when it happened. I felt it. And I am NOT a germ-a-phobe. But the thought of every horrific disease and infection he could possibly catch ran through my head in that moment.

And then he smiled at me. With that mischievous smile…

My first reaction was to snatch that bottle of ketchup away as fast as I could.

My second reaction was to immediately notify the waitress to throw that bottle of ketchup away (God, I hope she threw that bottle of ketchup away).

But, after I got over the initial shock & disgust, I thought about Declan’s little toddler mind. And how he had no idea the risks that came along with licking that ketchup bottle (I just gagged a little while typing that, so clearly, I am not yet over this).

So even though he could very well have swallowed every germ imaginable, he didn’t care. He couldn’t see the risk. He only saw the reward.

And it made me want to go back to that time in my life where I didn’t analyze EVERY decision. Where I didn’t weigh EVERY risk.

To go after the things I want in life like a toddler licking a DISGUSTING, DIRTY, GERM-FILLED Ketchup Bottle!!!!!

So right on kid. Keep doing you. Keep being oblivious to invisible risks and not letting them cause irrational fear in you. Keep licking those ketchup bottles. Just don’t let your mama see it, okay???

And now, BUTTER:

Same kid. Same Restaurant. Same Night.

I should preface by saying that some time in the last couple of months, my 2 year old has discovered butter. Plain old, straight up, BUTTER. And he has become borderline obsessed.

We can’t even keep it out on the counter anymore.

He will find it. He will snatch it. He will eat it. ALL.

But this proves a bit problematic at restaurants when they set that cute little basket of bread on our table with all those tiny, individual packages of Declan’s drug of choice.

We can try to hide them before he sees them, but I swear, he sniffs them out. He just KNOWS.

And then it begins…

He starts yelling “BUUUUTTTTAAAAA!!!!” like a mad man. In the middle of a restaurant.

My husband and I quickly become like hostage negotiators frantically trying to decide what to do before he disturbs the entire restaurant.

Do we just let him have as many packages of butter that his little heart desires? Do we use this as a teachable moment? Do we stop eating out until he gets his driver’s license? (the exact thoughts that run through my head)

For the record, this time, we gave the kid some butter. Pick your battles my friends.

But again, after the dust had settled and we returned home from dinner, I thought about our night and the butter and tried to put myself in his little shoes and figure out what he was thinking. (this exercise always helps me with my patience)

And again, I saw a little boy who only saw what he wanted. Some butter. So he demanded it.

Now please don’t confuse this for me saying we should give our children anything and everything they demand. I am not. And I promise you, if this situation arises again, we will be much better prepared to teach Declan some boundaries.

But what it made me think about is how often I am quick to give up the desires of my heart just because someone says I can’t. Or I shouldn’t.

When do we become so conditioned to stop demanding the things we want & deserve in life? Things like respect. Caring. Being treated fairly. Freedom. Love.

So Declan, thanks for reminding your mom tonight to accept nothing less than the desires of my heart. The things that I deserve. The butter in life.

Next time we go out to eat, you can have some butter buddy. But just one.

This boy. Our first born. Our dream chaser. Caden.

In Welsh, the name Caden means “Spirit of Battle” and he embodies this in everything he does.

This picture was taken at his pre-school Easter Egg Hunt. And my only thought while watching him run down those eggs, was that I hope he attacks everything for the rest of his life, the way he attacks an Easter Egg Hunt at 4 years old.

I pray every day that he never loses that spirit. That fire within him.

I pray that he continues to take risks & go for what’s hard. That he is never afraid to fail and will always be willing to do what scares him.

I get so much joy out of watching his determination, silliness & kindness.

This one will take on the world. Probably with his tongue hanging out of his mouth. 😛

Back when I was in college, Spring Break meant trips to Florida, Cancun, Vegas & California with my girlfriends.

This year I rented a commercial carpet cleaner & a deck sander…

So, yeah. Being a grown up is awesome.

 

I am curious about the various places that people are able to pull inner strength from.

I got to thinking about this after a cycle fit class a few weeks ago.

Can I just say, that I am pretty new & pretty terrible at cycle fit. Well, anything “fit” for that matter. But, I’m trying.

On this day I didn’t feel like going. I felt like I wasn’t going to be able to give my best and really just wanted to give up before I even started. But I went anyway.

At the start of the class, the instructor said she was dedicating her ride to her grandma who had just passed away.

Her grandma’s name?

❤ Joanie ❤

She urged us to dig deep and dedicate our rides to someone we love.

And since I happen to have my own “Joanie” in heaven (I called her “mom”), I did just that.

And do you know what happened?

I reached 19.5 miles. In one hour. That may not seem like a lot to some people. But I have never broken 14 MILES! NEVER.

That ride was for her. And I was going to make her and myself proud. Period.

I actually haven’t hit anywhere near 19.5 miles since then. Which further convinces me that I was drawing strength from something far beyond myself.

So I am just curious as to the places that you find strength in?

Is it God? (I get A LOT of strength there too, believe me!) or from a place? A memory? Your children? A dream or goal?

What makes you go beyond your limits and do the things you can’t imagine? The things that are the most worthwhile?

Comment and let me know who, what, where that is for you. I want to know where you draw YOUR strength from.

Maybe we even have some of ours in common.